Day Six

~The Dream~

I was at a radio station in nanimo getting ready to give an interview. Trying to choose which song I wanted them to play off the new record.I remember wondering how I had ever allowed myself to get so wrapped up in life that my time with the Lord was suffering.

Day Five

~The Dream~I was at some random house wiht a group of friends. Only two of them I can remember.I was beginning to wonder why I was there at all. Obviously there was some purpose but I was feeling very uncomfortable as a result of the withdrawl of one of my friends. We did not seem to speak at all. I felt like I was clinging about when I just wanted to be somewhere, anywhere else.Another friend asked to borrow my ipod. He actually paid me to rent if for the day.The next day someone else asked me if they could do the same thing.The following day my friend who had been ignoring me asked me. I was shocked that she even spoke to me, but I lent it to her, thinking maybe our awkwardness was over.Instead, she turned "off" again and disappeared.I was wondering when I would get my ipod back.Then she woke up the next moring and walked right by me. I mentioned the ipod and said I had some other people interested in using it. She seemed shocked that I might actually lert someone else use it.Some day further in the future I woke up, but I was no longer at the previous house, I was at her house. I was there for a coouple hours and I believe the only time I said anything to her was as I was leaving the house, I popped my head back in the door and said goodbye to her, her sister, and mom, who were all sitting together inside.I went outside to catch a bus and wound up at a different bus stop. And the wrong bus.I was fishing around for the exact bus fair, and finially found it, when I realized that I was at the wrong bus stop and I could just walk to where I needed to transfer busses, anyway.There was an earlier dream that also involved riding the bus, but it was a greyhound bus, and the destination I was traveling was greater.

Day Four

~The Dream~It started where I was sitting on a bunk bed opposite an old friend. (This old friend is significant both for how I treated her in the past, and how she reminds me of the subject of my current dream).Then I was at an apartment with many people I knew. Suddenly, one friend decided they needed to leave. We had no idea where she had gone, so the remainder of us decided to leave.As we were walking away, the friend suddenly appeared behind us and said that she needed a ride home.She turned and started walking towards the parking lot.Only one of us had a car. I turned to the one next to me and offered to pay him the gas money. He seemed inconvienced but agreeable.When we arrived at the car, we discovered that she had already loaded the trunk with groceries. So she had just assumed that we were gonna drive her home.And as we were all getting in the car, she made a point of not making eye contact with me and trying to get as far away from me as possible, even though she knew I was the one who was paying the gas money.This made me feel very taken advantage of.The next thing I knew it was another day and we were at a birthday party. During the party she walked over to a friend of mine who she had been flirting with the whole time and tried to kiss him on the cheek.His reaction to her was one almost of discust. He withdrew from her and told her plainly that he was not interested in her at all. That maybe she could manipulate others, but he knew what kind of girl she was and she would never allow her to do to him what she was doing to so many others.I could see the pained look in her face. She looked like she was going to cry. I was so happy because finally she had been put in her place.We were all suddenly in a room and we were all worshipping God. My eyes were closed and I started swaying uncontrolably. I was bumping into people, and at first I think they thought I was doing it on purpose. Then I actually fell to the floor.I could hear voices all around me and the friends close by came and touched me to try and revive me.I was completely concious. I don't know if I was unable or just lacked the ambition to move and open my eyes. I just lay there feeling perfectly at peace within the presence of God.I've felt that way before...

Day Three

~The Dream~For whatever reason I was moving into an ex-grilfirends condo that she shared with her whole family. In the dream, I remembetr thinking two things. The first was that I could probably easily abandon a standard of sexual purity.The second was an incredible regret that I had moved in because I relaized how much living with her family was going to change my life, both how I spent my time and the amount of effort that I could invest in the Lord.Releationships that lead us away from the Lord, on a practical daily living level, are as good as a distraction that prevents us from ever reaching the finish line.

Day Two

spent the day with amy. was soo refreshing and reminded me that i do have standards and that it's time to just move on. i don't know how i lost sight of where i was at. I am so grateful for friends like amy and kristin. they are not afraid to be honest. that is really what needs to happen. people just need to be honest.

~The Dream~I was at a friends house and it seemed a little awkward.She decided to leave the house and was pretty elusive about it.Perhaps she was going to use a pay phone.Quite a long while went by and we thought maybe she had found something else to do. Then after still longer we realized that maybe something had happened to her and she was in danger.I remember walking around looking for her thinking that she was dead and if that was the case, then at least I wouldn't have to deal with the drama anymore. And I supposed that if I found her alive, I could kill her, and then would not have to deal with the drama anymore.

Day One

dropped by the store this morning. had a real good time. also the first day of the 100. all seemed good and I was looking forward to tonight but it was terrible. I wanted to leave so bad. It was awfull. Don't know anything. i feel so foolish.

~The Dream~I had been invoted to some gala ball while staying in London. I only had a day or two left before iw as about to leave the country and had arranged some accomadation with a friend.I showed up at the ball and sitting across the table from me was the Queen. She looked younger than I would have thought.She seemed very uninterested in the other people at the table and constantly ignored them but was very chatty with me. infact, we got on quite well.She asked me where Iw as staying while in London and I told her I was just gonna crash somewhere. She then offered me a room at Buckingham Palace.Though I knew i was backing out of staying with a friend, the opportunity to stay at a palace as a guest of royalty was too much to refuse.One of the walls slid open revealing a chamber that led us to the palace.

push

I seriously question wether I should continue this blog or not. Mostly because I think it is just an excuse for me to feel like someone listenes to me when I need to speak and feel like someone is listening. Then there is the fact that no one actually reads this.

Most importantly, though, is that I had good intentions when I started this blog, but it feels way to much like trying to squuze sympathy and happiness from a dry cloth. I don't need that. And I think I would rather not have people think they know me.

here to stay is the new bird

Where do I begin?

There really is no where to begin. I am at that place of peace again. For the first time in 2 weeks I slept past 8am - haha.
The night was a continuous series of dreams that wound into each other with fluidity in between constantly waking up. I am not sure I ever woke up at all. It was all just like time was ceasing to exist and my dreams were but alterior versions of the present path I am on - and it is good.

I am so thankful for all that has happened, not only in the last couple weeks, and not only the last six weeks, but specifically in the last week. When you see all you have dangling on the edge of a cliff, it is not always easy to see that you are the one dangling it there.
Rescue is, perhaps, the best word. And as I woke up to a new day, I did so with words of thankfulness in the shadows of embracing happiness.

I even made it to work on time!! Though the b-day party was cancelled, we still got together round the fire pit last night. The fire seemed to swallow us.
Mmmm... Cransky!!

don't dream it's over

I am so thankful!!! The Lord has been so faithful to me despite myself. He has shown mercy on me abundantly.

24 hours ago I was somewhere dark. 48 hours ago I was completely lost in the void and I didn't know where I was, how I had got there, or where was the way out.

It was a short vacation into the memories of who and where I never want to be again. The night was filled with alarm and the days with distress calls.
I appreciate, in this time of great havoc, seeing the true nature in a few of my friends. Indeed, no matter how many times I attempt at writing them off, the three stood there with me when I was feeling at the breaking point.
My best regards to them.

I leave one on the wayside, but she has gone so that another may be. Good ridance to all. Destruction, like death, demanded a victim. It made a good choice.

Now, have I learned something??

with a stick and a pan

It's that place of NEEDING some destruction. I hate to take scripture out of context, but maybe I am not when I am saying something needed to die. That death allowed something new to live.

Somehow I got back from the edge. It was a scary trip. A deadly vacation. I only hope I have learned my lesson. Maybe for good this time.

It was a give for give. You helped me more than you'll know. It was because of our death, that the sick one now lives.
Have a nice life, Jenny.
Stay cool.

Sorry I failed, but I wasn't strong enough.

where does that responsability begin?

Ugh... there it is... that dreaded "r" word. A word I have spent a great deal of my life running from. A word that inspired recored titles like Escape is the Safest Bet (2003) and lines from songs like "I imagine now that it was all a dream cause it would be much easier than responsabilty" from the song An Act of Treason.

That song was recorded in Victoria at the end of 2003. Part of the Grace Will Be Victorious sessions, and later to appear on the 2004 release The Neccessity to be Free which can be heard and downloaded for free at www.thisisthewaytheworldends.com

Ahhh... responsability.
I don't like to think that I am guilty of anything or that I have been a failure at anything, yet both of these words are entirely romantic ideas. Maybe I make them romantic because I know I am them both. I am guilty and I am a failure.

Instead of sitting around and wallowing in that, I actually try and better myself. I try and learn from my mistakes. You know, to become something better than I am.

In the process, I know I am no ones salvation. Sometimes we need to be humbled, and what better way to do it than to make us feel guilty and/or like a failure?

Another lines from another song off that free record o' mine comes to me.
Taken from the song, The Best Jesus I've Ever Seen:

"I don't like to think God is bringing me to the brink just to prove something to me."

I may not like to think it, but I have learned to know it. And yes, I am a failure because I keep putting myself back in a place for this to happen. Disobedience is a portal as much as repentance is.

in the shadow of his wings

Little Things

Been losing touch with an old friend of mine
Saw him back the other day... scarred me real good
Made me hate you, too, for bringing him back here to me

It's not you it's really me
I've been looking in the mirror and if there's one thing I've learned
you can never trust those things
and I'm tired of seeing other guys girlfriends for them

When I was thirteen I lit a van on fire
My dad came running down the stairs, said
How could you be so dumb?"
and I couldn't understand how the thought occured to me with chemicals on the shelf
3 feet away

When you find what's right it won't be a game, it will feel like everything you've had before was just practice;
It will feel like this person controls the moon for you. It will be better than perfect but not too good to be true

and believe me, it will come a time when you least expect it
and really don't want it
but you just can't get away, no matter how much you think it's not the right time, it is, and they are, and it happens.

I don't want to be human. I want to be invincible. And I want it to be okay to let emotion carry me away.
I feel sorry for the girl that knew the boy i used to be.

I want to be with somoene who wants to be with me.
You're looking for someone to look good with
and that would never do.


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The kind of person you are is manifested in the small things you do.

It feels like epilepsy

Sometimes I think I have failed.

Today I saw something in myself that has been missing for some time. It wasn't something I was looking forward to seeing again.
There is a switch inside me that I would turn. When I did, a glaze would come over my eyes and I would drift ANYWHERE but the physical situation I was in.

Today the switch kept turning off and on. It was a scary place to be. It feels like epilepsy, and the result is usually people around me feeling that I am bored uninterested in their company.

Infact, just today I thought about escaping about every fifteen minutes.

But as I walked around the block tonight I realized that I was falling. We fall together.

Predestination in heinsight. The sun caught me and restored me. I still have resolve not to become who I was.

Sometimes I think I have failed, but failure is a dim reflection that allows us to move forward. It was never about me, and though I thought I could rest in sovreignty, I see that I still sometimes just feel the need to be in control. It is this urge that so works against me.

So much better to rest in peace. A peace that took me a long time to find.

I feel the tidal wave has calmed, but now I must work my way upstream. That starts with repentance even though it feels like guilt. After all, I AM guilty.

we'll see

Yes, it's that time again. Time for another blog entry.

I probably have a ton of things I could say, most of which would be about one subject, but I am not sure I will go there, quite yet. Sometimes, as much as writing can help, it can turn a situation into more of a strategy. I am more content at playing my hand without trying to figure out how I can win.

The last week I have worked one day on, one day off. I wrap up this trend tomorrow by having the day off. So I will be off to church in the morning with Tamae and her sister (who just moved back to mad cow town the other day).

After church, we'll see...

"Keep Fishing"

Went and saw The Cape May last night. http://flemisheye.com/thecapemay.php
It was the first time I had seen or heard them and it was pretty cool to see how far we've all come.
Really liked what I heard. Unfortunatly they were the last of 5 bands that played, which is a little excessive. But all in all, it was good. The night was broken up by a lot of faces I hadn't seen in a long time and poor attempts at catching up.

Hmmm... I wonder what else I could write about?
Wound up at Husky House after the show. I had the Beef Sandwich with fries and vegetables.

I woke up with Keep Fishing by Weezer running through my head.

Can I stop writing now?

I woke up with Keep Fishing by Weezer going through my head.

Keep Fishing.

Weezer.

I woke up.

Weezer.

You can't have fun when all they do is sing.

the words end here. the mistake was grace.

I am feeling the weight of my actions.

This time I woke up and when I got up to look a the microwave, it was 3:01am. And the first thought that came to me is 'What's gonna happen when it reaches before midnight'
Is this when grace expires?

First I dreampt of Camilie. And that turned into one of complete and total sleep paralysis, which included flailing around and banging on walls. The more I was able to break free from sleep paralysis, the more I started to wake up.

Sleep paralysis is one thing, but when you begin to dream of it, with all the exageration that comes with it, the living nightmare becomes a little more real.

Save me from myself. Make it stop. Make me stop.

18 months later

originally written on May 28th, 2004

I hear people talking about finding themselves. I think it is impossible to do this if we are not willing to admit our faults.

I pick my own friends.
I got tired of my friends picking me, or just leaving fate to decide who they should be. There is too much disaointment there.

I realize that should make me unlikeable, but it dosen’t. For some strange reason, unique only to the patheticness of human nature, I find people trying to win me over. Like they have no better goal in their life. I think that is sad.

What really disturbs me is when people do not recognze how pathetic they are when they do this. Why should they care what I think of them? We are complete strangers.

The next step for them is often the compasssion appeal.

They ask me if everything is ok, as if I would suddenly want to open up to them and become their best friend because they asked me how I was doing. I resent the fact that they think there is something wrong, some big trouble, which prevents me from wanting to befriend them. Maybe once they help me solve all my problems, then we can be best friends and do each others hair and paint each others nails.

Over the years I have perfected my ability (superpower) to erase people. My friend Gem calls it ignoring people, but I prefer code words like ‘erase’ and ‘superpower.’
This isin’t the same as the superpowers they hand out in church, this is a latent power I have honed.

Many years ago I realized that I could vomit on command. Well, it’s like that. I can just avert my eyes and instantly tell someone that I don’t want to know them and I think they are irelevant, not only to me, but to God and the rest of the human race.

I can make people know exactly what I am thinking, like some form of muted telepathy. Not only by erasing their words, but the movements they make, and even their very presence.
I realize this makes me a bit of an ass. While it is not the ideal place where I would like to be, I can condone my behavior based on my forknowledge of the consequences of acting differently.
God does this all the time. It’s one of His superpowers. How else could a loving God allow His children to constantly endure pain and suffering? There is the pain and suffering that comes from consequences, and that is different. I am talking about the pain and suffering that is unjust. Like the kind Job went through before the flood.

If there is one thing I am looking for in my life, it is not that people like me, it is that they respect me.
That seems like a recipee for loneliness. No wonder.

I suppose if I woke up tomorrow moning and everyone ignored my existence, I shouldn’t like it very much. Not because they didn’t want to be my friend, though, but because they didn't respect me.

I guess I have built some of my identity around the things I want.
Perhaps I will write a story about that one day.

I hear people talk about finding themselves, but I wonder how many of us are really prepared for what we find.
I found myself.
I found that after twenty-nine years that somehow, through divine intervention only, that there is still good in me, and somehow all the shit in my life turned into something useable; something good. But I also saw a lot of bad.

The least I can hope for is having seen the bad, I take steps towards a better. The most I can hope for is perfection.

No change comes over night. What you see today may not look to good to you, but what you see today is a better.

I am tired of putting up with people and situations that could be better.

This has brought me to an exploration of peace, and how to find peace as I strive to be like Christ, yet am, admitigly, not perfect.

“We are always changing. We are always getting better than we were.”

Over ten years has passed and that has still remained one of my life moto’s. Perhaps because I want to believe it’s true. Without it, there would be no cause for hope. Without hope, I would have no motivation.

I hear people talk about finding themselves, but as long as we stay in the box we put ourselves in, we can never discover anything new about ourselves or others.
For some, that is a box that will never open.
Others will spend a lifetime struggeling to open that box.
For others, the box was never closed.

-----------
sounds like I still had a little bit of that bitterness and angst I have worked so hard to overcome. Oh yea, I have TOTALLY overcome it by now - hahahahahahahaha

indecisive

I am glad I do not know the future. I would either try and change it or make it happen right away.

Anyone that has known me long enough has heard me say that. Been saying it since I was a teenager. And it's still true.
The differance at 30 is that now I plan a little bit more. I still don't want to know the future but it helps to have a plan and set some goals. With a goal, almost anything is bearable.

Nearly six months has passed since I arrived in mad cow town. I have had about a bazillion ideas on what wopuld be next for my life, and after all of them, I come full circle. It wasn't bad to have all those ideas, because ultimatly they made me more resolute about what IS next.
And in the process I elarned something more about myself. I learned a whole lot more about disapointment, also. That's one thing that never seems to go away.

But anyway, all things work for the best. (another wise old me saying)
Wanna here another? "We are always changing. We are always getting better than we were."

So what do I think is next for me? Well, right now the Field Theory demo's are turnign into a record. That was a goal as far back as Maui. Working with John was a goal as far back as forever, almost.
I am happy with the way things have gone.

Australia should be a twist of lime in my vodka. But after that, I realize that all along Europe has been pounding on the door. It keeps knocking and saying, "Come back, this is where you belong."

As for all of the things (people) along the way, most of them have been distractions. I am more ready than ever to write of my friends. It is time to get back up on my desk.

taking control of your children