I want to feel like a priority

The other day I found a autobiography on C.S. Lewis. As I was reading today, I came across a description of a point in his childhood that sent chills running through me.

"He withdrew from making deep personal relationships because he could not find friends like himself. He was then quite happy to be neglected, if only people would leave him alone. He so preferred a quiet, even monotonous life, provided only he was free. He had grown deeply to fear unhappiness."

I wonder if this is apathy.

probably not dreaming

I have made an effort to rid my life of drama. Mostly what that means is get rid of and/or avoid the people who bring drama in my life.
As you can tell if you read my blogs, I bring enough mellow drama in my life.

Well, it's been a week since that dream. I miss her already. I miss her because she is a real friend.

As for the others, I can live without them. And to be fair, they know it.

I'm stealing this phrase

Last night I had another dream about another friend.

I can understand that ones first thought may to call this sabatoge, but I have a very differant outlook. And I also feel that I have good reason to qualify the opinion that I do have.

I believe dreams can be guidance. Maybe not for everyone, and maybe we can't generalize all dreams and say they all hold meaning for us.

What qualifies me to say this is that I have been on the recieving end of this scenario. In other words, in at least two instances (these I actually know about), prosperous friendships that I was in were dramatically halted because the other person in the friendship began having dreams about ME.

My reaction to hearing from them about how their dreams were affecting their attitude towards me was devestating.
I also had a friend who would dream things about me and then call me to see if similar things were happening in my life.
Though there was not a dramatic change in her as a result of these dreams, over time, she became more shallow towards me and eventually dried up into a prune. Our current friendship can seem to reach no deeper level than surface small talk.

Yet, despite these examples, I firmly believe in destiny. I see who I am in my life right now and know that I arrived at this place as a result of the things that have happened to me. All things. Even the uncomfortable ones like friends refusing to seperate their dreams from how they felt in waking life.
I don't believe our past completely determines who we become, but perhaps our freewill is limited to space and time between events which are predestined.

The dream I had last ight very accuretly depicted the routines and character of the latter friend mentioned. While it did not necesarily change my view of her as dramatically as the dream I had earlier this week (which left me drowning in my current sea of apathy), last nights dream has reminded me of what I already know, and what she also does.
Time changes people. But some things don't change.

Empathy will always be my favorite sensation.

The View belongs To Everyone 

exhail

I opened my eyes.

Is this how it would end?

I was lying down in the back of Issac's van. The back hatch was open, and the side door. I leaned up, and looked out the side door. I could see the ocean, and it looked like the sun was going down.

I got out of the van and took a few steps. The sun was setting behind the van.

I had vauge memories in my head. In one I was standing next to Captain Morgan, the pirate made famous by the rum of the same name. He was much larger then I thought he would be. We were posing for a picture together.What was this madness?

My last memory I could remember was walking into a circus tent. There was no circus, inside, though. It was a beer garden. I walked by a couple of European super models drinking wine.One had white wine, the other red.

I saw the ark floating through the air. How did it get there? How were the animals responding to the air pressure? How would the ark land?

Inductive vrs. deductive reasoning, I thought. If I already decided that I knew what absolute truth was, how would I ever be open to absolute truth when it did come along?

I pulled out a folding chair from the van and set it up behind the van, so I could watch the final phase of the sunset. On the bumper of the van I saw a spider moving. I wondered if the spider was aware of the sunset?

The outward man is perishing. The more we behave in the way we are, the less ready we are to live in the fullness of the kingdom. The kingdom is now.
It was fear and self preservation I remember most.

A word can change everything. I remembered parking the van a ways off from Lahina and walking out onto the beach. I could see the lights glowing in the distance.

His love allowed Him to live the way he wanted to live. The personal to the outreach. Edification. You can not love others until you love yourself. You can't love yourself until you love God.
I have a regenerated spirit because of what christ did for mePart of his meditation he honks twice on entry and exit of the tunnel.
The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.

"If you reach out for the extrodinary and come back void, what do you got? The simplest things are right in front of our nose. We need to see fisheyed not widescreen.

Esteem other people highly.

everything i need 

"this is the time" 

give me back my point of view (?)

I have been totally manipulated by the dream I had a few nights ago, and it doesn't seem to bother me. I know that the dream completely changed my view of a dear friend... but it has made such an impact now that I have discovered a wealth of apathy towards her and our friendship.

There is nothing for me to do except flow with this. I have to believe that I must have had the dream for a purpose.

Dreams scare me because if my entire viewpoint can change because of a dream I remember having, how many times has my point of view changed because of a dream I don't remember having?

This causes me to think a little about chaos versus freewill. Where my dreams fit into that. It ain't freewill if I am being manipulated by a non reality, right? Unless maybe my dream was an alternate view of what could have happened, or already happened in some other space and time.

This is beginning to sound very Donnie Darko meets The Butterfly Effect, and that is ok.

Either way, I am ready to accept sovreignty as being a good thing.