18 months later

originally written on May 28th, 2004

I hear people talking about finding themselves. I think it is impossible to do this if we are not willing to admit our faults.

I pick my own friends.
I got tired of my friends picking me, or just leaving fate to decide who they should be. There is too much disaointment there.

I realize that should make me unlikeable, but it dosen’t. For some strange reason, unique only to the patheticness of human nature, I find people trying to win me over. Like they have no better goal in their life. I think that is sad.

What really disturbs me is when people do not recognze how pathetic they are when they do this. Why should they care what I think of them? We are complete strangers.

The next step for them is often the compasssion appeal.

They ask me if everything is ok, as if I would suddenly want to open up to them and become their best friend because they asked me how I was doing. I resent the fact that they think there is something wrong, some big trouble, which prevents me from wanting to befriend them. Maybe once they help me solve all my problems, then we can be best friends and do each others hair and paint each others nails.

Over the years I have perfected my ability (superpower) to erase people. My friend Gem calls it ignoring people, but I prefer code words like ‘erase’ and ‘superpower.’
This isin’t the same as the superpowers they hand out in church, this is a latent power I have honed.

Many years ago I realized that I could vomit on command. Well, it’s like that. I can just avert my eyes and instantly tell someone that I don’t want to know them and I think they are irelevant, not only to me, but to God and the rest of the human race.

I can make people know exactly what I am thinking, like some form of muted telepathy. Not only by erasing their words, but the movements they make, and even their very presence.
I realize this makes me a bit of an ass. While it is not the ideal place where I would like to be, I can condone my behavior based on my forknowledge of the consequences of acting differently.
God does this all the time. It’s one of His superpowers. How else could a loving God allow His children to constantly endure pain and suffering? There is the pain and suffering that comes from consequences, and that is different. I am talking about the pain and suffering that is unjust. Like the kind Job went through before the flood.

If there is one thing I am looking for in my life, it is not that people like me, it is that they respect me.
That seems like a recipee for loneliness. No wonder.

I suppose if I woke up tomorrow moning and everyone ignored my existence, I shouldn’t like it very much. Not because they didn’t want to be my friend, though, but because they didn't respect me.

I guess I have built some of my identity around the things I want.
Perhaps I will write a story about that one day.

I hear people talk about finding themselves, but I wonder how many of us are really prepared for what we find.
I found myself.
I found that after twenty-nine years that somehow, through divine intervention only, that there is still good in me, and somehow all the shit in my life turned into something useable; something good. But I also saw a lot of bad.

The least I can hope for is having seen the bad, I take steps towards a better. The most I can hope for is perfection.

No change comes over night. What you see today may not look to good to you, but what you see today is a better.

I am tired of putting up with people and situations that could be better.

This has brought me to an exploration of peace, and how to find peace as I strive to be like Christ, yet am, admitigly, not perfect.

“We are always changing. We are always getting better than we were.”

Over ten years has passed and that has still remained one of my life moto’s. Perhaps because I want to believe it’s true. Without it, there would be no cause for hope. Without hope, I would have no motivation.

I hear people talk about finding themselves, but as long as we stay in the box we put ourselves in, we can never discover anything new about ourselves or others.
For some, that is a box that will never open.
Others will spend a lifetime struggeling to open that box.
For others, the box was never closed.

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sounds like I still had a little bit of that bitterness and angst I have worked so hard to overcome. Oh yea, I have TOTALLY overcome it by now - hahahahahahahaha