prelude to twelve monkeys

http://sympaticomsn.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1113580569579_8?hub=TopStories

no philosophy will save you

There's a lot of questions hurting my ears starting with you and ending with tears
I'm just about to reason myself out of this
and then you won't see me here no more
I am a shadow speaking softly to your dreams at night
and I'm not afraid of exposure to light
cause then you will see me just as I am
and I'm not afraid of that
My greatest friend is walking around with the bends
your memory is like a kick in the teeth
cheap shot by a be boppin' nothing to me
but I got my camaflouge
and you'll never hurt me
I walked by when I saw you
cause I've been thorugh this before
So don't wait cause there's nothing to do
while you're trying to make up your mind

I'm not what's missing

Last night I had one of the most fascinating dreams I can remember ever having.

I don't know exactly where to begin, and let me prefice this by saying it might not make a lot of sense, but I'll give it a whirl.

Well, the first thing i remember, and I am not sure if this is unrelated, is being at at wedding. On the way, I noticed a friend of minein front of me. She seemed happy to see me, but was with some other people, and as we went inside, she sat with these others, and I took my place with my family.

I think the wedding was for a fairly close relation of the family.

When the wedding ended, everyone went downstairs for the reception, but I stayed upstairs for some reason. When I was handed a wedding album and as I was looking through it, the bride came over to me and said she had much better pictures herself, and I should look at them instead of the album.

The odd thing was she was still in her wedding dress and I don't think most of these pictures had even been taken yet.
There seems to be a gap now that I am missing... the transition into the next segment I recall...

I believe it was one of the children that suggested we have them all take waivers home to their parents to sign, just because it couldn't hurt.

The two oldest children were Jessica and a boy of about twelve or so. All of the children seemed much youger, maybe between the ages of five and ten.

I can't remember exactly what the purpose of the field trip was. Maybe it was a birthday party, or maybe I made that up this moriing over coffee while trying to reason this dream out. In any case...

I knew of a place. We were in quite a large castle and we had all pretty much toured the place at this point. I was standing with Jessica and this older boy, waiting for everyone to regroup. Perhaps there were other of the kids around us.

I asked them if they had seen the tunels. I asked them if they had walked into the tunnels a ways. They hadnn't and seemed surprised that one could. “Oh yes” I told them, and led them to the tunnels. There was a gate I opened, that wasn't locked, and by this point, all the other children, as were my parents, were with us.

I was walking ahead with Jessica. We emerged into some kind of huge area. It looked like the inside of an airport, or a mall. The area was filled with people going this way or that. It would have been easy to get lost in here, so as the others made it out, we made sure to watch them so they would not become lost.

I cannot recall anythign more about being in the underground world. Only that I had been there before, and was acting as a guide.

The next thing I remember is we came out of a cave into daylight again. We were once again on the surface of the earth. We made our way, our entire group, maybe a hundred feet from the caves opening, when we saw a group of maybe twenty to thirty people on the dirt road about 50 feet ahead of us. They were brandishing clubs and chains and were tryign to prohibit us from continuing.

The children were understandably concerned, but I reassured them that I knew what to do. “Just keep running, and you will be fine. Just run past them... push through them”
Apparently, the onlly threat was if you stopped moving.

Jessica and I took the lead and pushed through. Once the rest of our group saw how easy it was to do, they all came rushing forward.
Jessica and I raced back through the group going the opposite way, to distract the goons. It was like a game of red rover.

I could have been the next day... I am not sure. We all had a flight to catch, to go back home, at 1:30pm.
I don't know what time it was when I found the letter. It was written by Jessica and she said that six of them (the twelve children) had gone back to underground. They weren't coming back.
I read the letter aloud to my parents. “If there is only six of them going, where are the other six?” I asked desperatly.
In the end we must have assumed that when the younger six saw what the older six were doing, they insisted they come along. Maybe at the threat of waking us up, and then none would go.
Maybe the letter had already been written at this point and no one thought to update it

I am unclear why we never went to look for the children. Why we couldn't. I do recall that we would have missed our flight, had we done it, and that was significant, being it may have been the only flight available, ever.
If it was simply a matter of rebooking a flight, surely we would have. But it wasn't simple, and we had no choice but to leave on the flight without the twelve children we had brung with us.

It was an awkward scene in the cabin on our flight home. It was just the three of us. My parenst were very worried about what they would tell twelve sets of parents. I reminded them we had the waivers and would not be held responsible, but that seemed to not offer the support they needed.
There was a brief moment or two when the viecle we were in slipped under the water. It was quite intimidating, as we began to see water and fish outside the windows. Especially when we wondered if this was supposed to be happening.
Maybe death seemed like a good escape, at that point.

The next thing I remember is walking through the streets. We were back home and as we were walking, someone seemed to be guiding us. I don't think she was physically present, though (more like a voice over that the three of us heard) and I remember refering to our guide as “her.”

What began to happen was that we started seeing the children we had left behind, individually on the street. But they were much older. I mean, they were all into their late forties of fifties of older.

I remember seeing the boy who had the limp. He was walking aimlessly, as if he were blind and slighly retarded. But he was not the first one we saw.

I remember seeing the boy that reminded me of jack Black from school of rock. He still looked like him, but a slighly retarded version.
He was kitty corner to us, standing on the corner, waiting to cross the street. He had a brown tweed suit jacket on.

I remember seeing the asian boy, as an older man now. He was in a wheel chair, on top a flight of stairs that led up from the sidewalk. He was wearing one of those straw cowboy hats. *
Next to him stood a lady that wispered in his ear something about forgiveness, and he seemed resentful. He said he would not forgive.
I knew they were talking about us.

A little way up the street, a car pulled over to the side of the road. As we approached, my mothers mom stood up out of the sun roof.
I don't recal exactly what was said. I get the feeling that words like “failure” and “embarassment” wrere used, but in a past context, like now that had changed.
The whole time, since seeing eleven of the children, I had been fighting back the tears, and now as I stood watching my mom hear from her own mother, I knew she was in tears also.

I knew that when this exchange was over, that I would see the final of the twelve. I would see Jessica. She was last because I loved her.

And then I woke up. No warning, I just woke up.
Interpreting that dream would be something. Even as I write it, I can find ways to read into it.

Seeing the children as adults who resented us was something unexpected. I wonder about that. I wonder about the whole thing. And one day, after I finish this bottle of Johnny Walker, I may try and figure it out.

same mistake twice?

I admire your ability to withdraw, actually. It shows that you are either extremely content of just preoccupied.
Though I am glad to hear from you again... it's been a long long time and I was afraid I offended you with a remark regarding something about your lovely voice and my capacity to fall in love with it, or you - haha, whatever the case may be...

To be honest, I doubt destiny has anything to do with my thoughts regarding Cypus. It just seems like a convientient location, situated close to israel and egypt, but i seriously doubt i would go and do that anytime soon... I have spent much of my life running for greener grass and missing opportunities because of it. To be sure, I had a hoot and other doors became open, but I am at the age where I realize... nothing, actually.
Only that it's time I finally took advantage of my experience and contacts and gave 200% to music, and I think that roaming like a gypsie is beginning to hurt me more than help... I love to travel and will continue to do so, but more along the lines of the UK, where music was my yardstick beating me down the road...

Well, the zoo job never worked out, which means I never got it. I suspect it was because of a policy on visable tattoo's, though they never said that. The Calgary Stampede, on the other hand, told me flat out that was their reason for not hiring me.

I got a job at a resteraunt that's only a few blocks away. The hours are good and it's daytime weekday shifts, which is great for music.
It's not quite a glamourous job, but it's pretty breeze, and I can always pick up a evening job bussing at a pub....

i got a long way to go feeling further away 

~did you add up all the cards left to play to zero?

haha, at first I laughed as I read "Once again, yourdeep thoughts are way above my head, but i like toimagine thinking what you do" and then I wondered ifmost people probably have the same opinion and I decided they do. Not that it makes me uncomfortable or sad... well, not uncomfortable... sad perhaps, because I already feel like i relate to barely anyone on the planet....
speaking of loneliness... I have this theroy that we avoid thinking because we assume it will make us happy, and we get that idea by watching other people who act happy but are really doing the same thing we are - they are trying to convince everyone they are happy because they don't "think" about life, so it becomes this domino cycle of existence, where we count down our time until we might return the past (which we remember as being betterthan it was).
The problem is that the past is like an inerstate (love song) that can be listened to on repeat but never experienced again for the first time. Kind of like heroin.

You said, "it's an awful place to be, but i keep praying that in the next phase of my life I'll be happy again like i was before when I didn't have to count down the hours but could enjoy being busy ordoing absolutely nothing. That seems like so long ago."
That sounds like something I said once. Are you sure that is original or are you quoting me?

And then you said, "i feel i've tried everything nowand haven't found happiness so i'm going back to the last place i felt it..."
And than I get get de ja vu because this is really starting to sound like me about a year ago. The big surprise comes when you go back and discoverit is not at all like it was.
Have you ever seen the movie The Neverending Story? If you have you will remember that the "nothing" is an unexplainable void that keeps growing and consumes everythign in it's path, completely destroying any life that once existed.
It's a lot like depression. The kind that leads to suicidal thoughts. The more one tries to live their future for a past that no longer exists, the more comforting hopelessness becomes.
It's like a good friend named sadness that comes over with an open container from 7-11. Except I'm at the age where I realize that theliquor store won't bring back the past that seems like greener grass, but really, I didn't think so at the time. It's just that the expectations of my future are not what I had hoped. (I am speaking of me a year ago, thankfully. Much has changed and I have learned a few things about happiness, since)

Happiness is not a geographical thing, wether that be abroad or home. Happiness is an inside thing. Mind you, a social life does seem to be a factor - haha
Life always demands change. We always end up giving up the past, because we are always moving forward. You can either embrace progress or fight it, buteither way, things will change. I suppose we try and hang on to what makes us feel most secure, and in that sense, geography can determine some degree of happiness.

You also said, "more and more i find myself wishing ihad done the comfortable and stayed at home after highschool and gone to tech."
Regret is not a good thing. Like you pointed out, the experiences you gained while traveleing, and the personal growth, you never could have experienced had you done the comfortable. It is what seperates theone from the other. The one what? I am not sure. The other? Well, the others are the normals.
The normals are the ones who stay comfortable but rarely learn anything significant. They rarely grow and become anything. But then again, they seem a lot happier. And like you pointed out, transition reminds of of the things we take advantage of.
Sometimes we can go back and appreciate those things. Sometimes they are gone forever. I had a friend once who wanted so bad to be normal. But he wasn't. But he fought to be. He wanted to be: one of the "boys" and completely sell himself out towho he was not because of that happiness illusion. But happiness is a choice not a destination.

Take some comfort because you are not alone. Almost everyone I know are ghosts that I never knew (even when speaking with them face to face).

"Time is a funny thing. It passes by at the same exact speed every day but we choose to make it rush by or creep."

Well said.

the price of bearing witness

"I think the only question is: Have I made the kind of difference the opportunities have given me? That's what you have to measure yourself against. Have I lived up to the opportunities that were presented to me? I think we all, collectively, starting with the governments we elect to represent our values and views, we all make a difference. The question is: have you seized the moment sufficiently? I hope I have. I try. I always try. But, in retrospect, you can't tell."
-Louise Arbour

Louise Arbour is now United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights - the UN's top human rights official. As the world marks the 11th anniversary of the Rwandan Genocide, Arbour tells us about the challenges in maintaining professional detachment in the midst of tragedy, and why atrocities in Africa were eclipsed by the tsunami.
You can accssess the whole interview here:
http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/arbour.html

I also discovered a video on the inteligent design debate. My problem with them media is they always focus on the most absurd extremist christians so the world ends up thinking we are uninteligent fudemenatlists who say dumb things like "it would be better if everyone thought like me"
No wonder the term "christian" has become on par with the word "nazi"

http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/feedback_jan16_05.html

scroll down and see the "feature" on the right column to view a twelve minute video about a new creationism debate.


I have done the very thing I told myself I would never do. I got a job in the resteraunt industry. I tell myself that there must be a purpose for it, and that keeps me hanging on.
I woke up this morning to a message being recorded on my machine. They wanted me call them. Probably to work today. Not a chance.I know the resteraunt industry. You got to lay your foot down, otherwise they'll walk all over you. I have my monday to friday daytime, and that's all I want. I want to keep my evenings free. I want to keep my evenings free.
I stayed up really late last night and watched movies on the TV. I have managed to break the cycle of endless television viewing, but it took a few weeks before i did that. Now, it is more like a novelty.
The empty house sydrome... I know this one. I find myself more of a hermit now than I thought I would be. Work was good to break this down, but it still continues. It could be a lack of social outlets, or maybe I am just apathetic towards the western world.
And then there is that illusibve question, would life be better if not alone? Hmmm... I don't think we should suffer or feel victimized for being alone... I mean, finding value and self worth is someone else is dangerous, especially if we can not find it without someone else...
staying busy can often just distract us from the reality that we NEED to think. It's part of the process.
As your good friend I recomend you watch a movie called Donnie Darko and stay up as late as you can tonight. Try and imagine a world that is not controlled by time. Instead, it is controlled by a stopwatch that you hold in your hand. When you start tick tick ticking, everything around you freezes - all people and traffic, and you are free tow walk amongst a frozen civilization.
You get use to this, and freeze time when you are doing tests, say, and you can go copy others answers. But say one day when you have clicked the world frozen, that the stopwatch breaks, and you find yourself unable to bring motion back into the world.
Do you think at that point you would wish you never discovered the sytopwatch in the first place?
If lonliness were like that stopwatch, then the great fear we all seem to have is that time has frozen and we may have to spend the rest of our lives like ghosts in a hallway seventeen floors above the city.
Like grass, happiness and contentment are always better looking somewhere else and with someone else.
refreshment and peace become so desirable because they are not constant.

I know how much you care

http://sympaticomsn.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1113136222756_1?hub=TopStories

a distorted reality...

sometimes I wonder about passing time. The cycles seem different, but that's because we have changed. Circumstance remians the same. Yet, I seem to feel more lucid. I seem to be more aware of what is happening around me, and just maybe, I find clever ways to call a growing sense of apathy something else.
See, you take all that frustration, all the apathy and lucidity, and one is left with either self medicating the casandra away, or taking the blue pill and jumping down the rabbit hole. Lately I have been doing one while wanting the other, and no matter what happens, one of us seems to be hanging from the seventeenth floor ledge.

Outside I can hear the sounds of the street. I guess the street nevel sleeps, and I am amazed at how well the yelling carries through the corridors of streets that make up downtown metropolis mad-cow oil alberta.

As for me, I haven't been up this late in a long time. The distorted reality of David Lynch is catching up to me, and I wonder how soon sleep will overtake even that.

Pretty soon I will wake up with not ever going to sleep, and I wonder what is next for me now. I thought about a trip down memory lane with Hunter S. Tompson. Time will tell that one.

I need to see about securing some tickets for the upcoming Snow Patrol and Athlete show. I will go just to drink beer and imagine I am back in Europe, far away from here.

casandra 

insanity is escape from an insane world

I have a clock now. It ticks ticks ticks every momet of the day. I was forced to get it so I wake up in the morning for work. Now that I have a job. Now that I have rejoined what is normal.

I go through a periodic phase fascination with end of the world scenarios. The last really good book I read about this was John Whydhams The Day of the Triffids, which I got from the library. Recently I rewatched 12 Monkeys, which is always a nice treat. Like a desert.
Anyway, I have been thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. I have a few days off so I really am just doing nothing.

Kept looking out the keyhole today. It's funny how we are all a little nuerotic, and it's something when it all turns out to have some reason. Like the whole keyhole thing today... what I expected I would eventually see, I did.

It makes me wonder about how much life really does reveal to us but maybe we are just to prideful to listen.

I wonder of the television programs are really just the commercials for the advertisments? That's how it seems.

enter the gates

I'm not gonna tell you that I deserve to be here
while the cradle of my salvation
renders itself to my memories of fear
that become me – don't fade away
don't be scared to take a taste
of your own
God knows it's imposible to breathe on my own
the wickedly violent are the first to cast stones
The lights from the city keep me awake all night
and the voices of my departure
illuminate like candles
all of the dreams I never got use to dying to
with a cold cold heart – she stands at the door and she's knocking
I'm on my own
and so in need of some comfort from lonliness
your the best crutch I have to lean on to
and convientient as well and I almost forgot that your new to me
and most importantly
your alone
the devil in all of us is as guilty as me
so don't think you're pleasentries will save you
i'm looking for less of an opinion and more of a rivalry
time is a dream we wake up to

whatever I can do I will

never lose that feeling. never no.

blue skys bring tears

It was quite an interestign adventure last night. I was with a group of Samuri type warriors and we were making our way through an old section of some unknown japanese village. The more we walked, the more agitated the others I was with seemed to be geetting. Apparently we were venturing into the old school area of this village, and there were Ninja's known to train and rule the area.
It seemed clear that we were not friends with them, and seemed to be in fear of them.

We continued to move forward through a warehouse enviornment, and then up some stairs where we discovered what was certainly their layer.
Walking through a door there was a receptionist and we asked her if we could train here. She said we could in a nearby room, but when we got in, there was a big sparring match going on.

And following in the tradition of my other thursday mornings, I woke up to the tune of a song I had composed in my final dream to my third femme fetal.

Anyway, looks like I will have the day off tomorrow. Oh, and today was a day of surprises. I heard from a couple old friends via the email that I did not expect to. Especially one in particular.

Hmmm...

we must never be apart

All of my dreams last night seemed caotic. In one of them, I was at Cornerstone Festival. Only things had changed. Points along the way were differant, though some were identical to the Cornerstone of my dreams, which is not at all like the real one.

There was one point where I was leading my friend to the main stage and we were up high in a hallway thatr hung over a field. We had to squeeze through a little door, barely knee high, and make a sharp turn to fit ourselves in another kneehigh door that ran parallel to the hall we were in.
I woke up wondering why someone did not just cut a opening through the wall that divided the two hallways so people like me didn't have to squeeze through the small door, and momentarily hang about a hundred feet above a field, before squeezing in the adjacnt door.

I finished my training at work today and tomorrow will be just me. It should be fine. I really do see a lot of good things asociated with this job. It took me recovering from my diaspointment in myself, and a checked reality perspective, to realize this.

On another note, I am having some setbacks with reinstating my health care, but they should be solved by the end of the week. It's not really that big of a deal.

Heard from Paris today. No, not Hilton, haha.

So I have made this rediscovery lately. There must be a lack of Canadian classic rock because each day The Trajically Hip is played at least once on the radio. Looking for that all elusive Canadian content, I guess. And the songs are always from the Fully Completely record.
That got me thinking that someone ought to rerecord that record all acoustic for the 15th anniversary of that, which I think is next year. Perhaps I will make that my pet project. And what should I start with? Maybe, Locked in the trunk of a car, or, Courage - though Saran Polley did a pretty good cover of that on The Sweet Hereafter soundtrack.

So, like everyday, today was a lesson. A pretty good one. I am such a weakling. As followers of Jesus, we are called to be set apart. Sanctified.
In the western world we don't take that seriously. I am trying to. I certainly don't have the strength myself, but only through the grace of God can I hope to be a temple reflecting His glory.

ava adore...

remembering Joy

Last night I had a dream. In the dream I was visited by Joy. She sat across a table from me, as if we were casually meeting together for a conversation over coffee.
I don't remember speaking, nor do I recall her saying anything. I just remember looking at her sitting there.
I can still see her in my head, and I hope I never forget the expression on her face.

It is the expression I want to remember when I think of her. A content one; A happy one; as if the life that lay ahead of her was not going to be a disappointment. As if the things she hoped for may become reality.

I rather like to think of her that way now.

Remembering Joy is a lot like holding on to hope. One of us always seems to be dangling from the seventeenth floor, but which of us it is, is anyones guess.

Hope shouldn't be such a hard thing to hang onto. I suppose it somes down to perspective. Yet, even with the perspective of eagles, it's easy to have the flightiness of pigeons, sometimes.

There are two pictures in my head now. In one of them, I see a person, maybe myself, reaching up to grasp the hand of someone else. They are holding me up.
Below me looms such a large drop that I will surely die. Yet it is imposible to hang on forever. That makes me in need of the person holding me up. I need them to pull me up to where they are.

The other picture is the one I woke up with. The one that has remained in my head all day, and will guide me back into sleep tonight.

I found hope in finding purpose. Purpose is really what motivates each of us to pursue anything.

I hope she has found purpose. I like to think she has. Because put into perspective, even dreams begin to make sense.

...I'm still just a rat in a cage. 

despite all my rage

Possibly one of the hardest things to understand in the bible is the story of Job. What the book never records is how after Job loses everything he has, and after God restores to Him the wealth and prosperity that he lost, Job asks God why it all happened to him.

We never get that answer. We never get the why. And despite the fact that God restores to Job the wealth and prosperity that he once had, what about the loss of his sons and daughters? What possible renumeration can God offer Job for that?

It had to be easier for Job to not know why this was all happening to Him, then had he the knowledge that all of his suffering was caused for no greater reason than what the bible implies is a mere gamble of pride - Gods against satans.

Forgive me if I sound heretical. That is not my intention. But clearly Job endures suffering for no other reason than for God to prove to Satan that Job will not curse him.
That is what the text presents.

As for me, I sit here and ponder. Perhaps I have grown prideful, but I feel that I am tryign hard to serve the Lord. It becomes easy to think that the Lord would honor me by blessing me. And naturally, I, like everyone, interprets blessing to mean "good things." Such as a good job.

But I never got that good job. I found out today that I was passed over. Yet, I was so sure that this job had divine intervention written all over it.
The big problem is that this is not the first time that I feel God gave me a glimpse of a possible future and/or let me believe that glimpse was His will and would indeed happen.

So what do I do with this? Well, to be quite honest, over the last couple days, I began to doubt that I would get the job. Not because it wasn't the Lords will, but because I started to want it.

I think the biggest disapointment was not that I didn't get the job, but that I allowed myself to want something enough that it pissed me off when I couldn't have it.

That, is the answer to all of this.

The whole point is to get me to a point where I am willing to give up the things that I want, in exchange for the walking in the purposes of God. Even if that means a glamourous job that is good for my ego is traded in for a job that nearly causes me shame. Because I am not here to bring attention to myself, but glory to God, and I have to believe that He knows the best place for me to do that.

I thought about cursing God, very briefly, but I knew that in order to learn this lesson through experience, I had to experience the loss of something that I truly wanted. It wouldn't be much of a lesson had I not really wanted the job I didn't get. Now, I only hope that time will reveal to me the benefit of not getting that job, because we do not always see that. If we did, it would be easier to accept sovereignty, but because we don't, we are forced to view our past through faith and belief, and trust, that God has not let us down along the way.


And what have I found so far? Well, once the aftershock of my disappointment in myself settled in, I realized a part of me that I had burried somewhere, and that very much needed to find some ressurection. So I spent about four hours playing guitar and remembering who I burried.

I guess there is a fine line between becoming who I was and embracing who I am.

Perhaps it was the song that stopped me on the street. Yes, that was it. As I stood there listening to it, I remembered what I was burying, and realized that I could confront me now, without living in the past. It is because of that confidence that my past has also been redeemed. That every situation in my life, despite what came out of it (good or bad) had been redeemed for such a time as this.
I don't have to allow myself to forget me, I just have to keep myself from trying to control everything.

Last night I had a dream that I had my trombstones on display. I was standing right there next to them, and I knew that inside the stone casket was a plaster like skeleton. I knew that even now, as I was alive, there was a purpose in me having this casket. I wanted to make it my own. I wanted to carve pictures on it that symbolized what my existence had been.
Like tattoo's over the scepelcher that would carry my remains into history.

And then I had a dream, or maybe it was before, that I was outside of a ship, in a raft on frozen waters. One of our three crew had died, and the other survivor was the only one that knew how to get into the ship. Only he was waiting for me to die first.
For some reason he did not want to take me in while I was alive, and I spent that dream fighting for my life.

I wish I knew how to unlock meaning in my dreams, and learn from them. Maybe the things I could have learned could have prepared me for my day. Maybe they did anyway, and it's only after the pain, that you see the warning. That is when the warning finds its completition, and somewhere deep inside me, that warning was enough to prepare me for the day.

Well, I'll never know, and I suppose it dosen't really matter. What matters is that I got a job now, even if it's not the one I wanted or thought I'd have. Because in the end, it's not about anything other than being able to stand.

The End Of All Things

will I end up here?

http://www.discoveryofatlantis.com/welcomecyprus.htm
http://www.mysterious-america.net/cyprusatlantismu.html http://antiquity.ac.uk/ProjGall/kuhne

explainig atlantis:
http://encyclopedia.laborlawtalk.com/Atlantis

desper a'mien

Another day is drawing to a close. It's hard not to thtink that I haven't wasted another one.

I am still feeling the aftershocks of my not so disapeared +15 flu virus. It's at the nasal congestion / headache phase, but not as bad as yesterday. So today I mostly sat around, or paced, and tried to make my day count for something.

In the end, I finished a book I started 6 weeks ago. What a poor testament that it has taken me this long. I watched the first half of two different movies. Is there any better way to waste time? I didn't even finsih them.

While researching trips through the Middle East, I found a tour company based on the Greek Island of Cyprus. From there, I got this idea in my head that Cyprus would be a good place to base myself out of because it's close to everything. Something in every direction, including Israel and Egypt and Italy.

And I spent much time, but not enough time, dialoging with God, trying to sell Him on the idea that getting a job (specifically the one at the zoo) is a much needed next step in my being here.

God is sovereign and knows what is best, but I have a desire for this job and believe that He has put that desire there. I also see how this job seems to be a perfect fit for me and would allow me financially to work toward the goals and vision that is in me, whicgh start with getting out of debt, and planning for a month in Japan in the fall.

And of course, I managed to spend a significant amount of my time today losing sight of purpose and feeling more like a failure for doing nothing and having nothing.
If we compare ourselves to others, we will always fall short. I am not even sure I know what my dreams are anymore. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.

Speaking of dreams, I have had quite interesting ones lately. Last night was another one of those ones with Pesa. We are married, but for some reason, i guess she thinks I don't know, and she won't come out and say it. Maybe because she is afraid that I will change if she does.

Then I was sleeping in the afternoon and I saw myself in some middle eastern garment and I could hear a voice saying that I needed to go back to Japan.

On top of everything is, is the cost...

I don't know. Everything is really confusing and this flu keeps me in and out of dellusion. Drifting from lucid thoughts to ones that are not quite my own.
And while it has not been terribly hard, today was my worst experience in 10 days with weakness. I thought... over and over... I even went out for a walk... but in the end, I have changed, not of my own strength can I do this, but with His help, always...

balancing out the universe

Fits me like a shoe.
How do you know I am not a superhero?

I just may have discovered my purpose after all.

What do I need to do to live right? And why do I always feel that I must be somewhere else in order to find the fulfillment that I am looking for. I know it has nothing to do with where I am, but how I feel. And too often I find that sense of fulfillment on the only things that I can seem to control, and that being, moving from place to place. But as soon as I get somewhere, I need to do it again. And all the moving around means I never really get a chance to build on anything. All I see are opportunities I left behind somewhere.

The cycle must end. The cricle of existence ends with taking control. And discovering discipline.

I drive myself crazy and I wonder what I will ever accomplish at this rate. So far, it's hard to tell if I have done anything but exist in a fairy tale realm. Wandering through the universe trying to find hope.

reborn

"circle of existence"


Preseumed untrue
and for the time being I will make it up to you
cause I'm through
with fables of an unknown future
when right now
I am living in the middle of a war
and it's tearing me apart
like it's tearing you apart

"I want you to climb me"

Seventeen floors above the city streets, I find myself sitting in my self diagnosed isolation. It has hit me like a bitter wind in the face, that not only do I look forward to leaving this city, but that I find my very oxygen is change.

Don't get me wrong, I am ok with being here now. I think I have got myself a great job that will allow me to live the life that seems to be layed outr for me.
But I know that there is more.

I always seem to be chasing more, and I always look for that more in the wrong places.
Dependent origination. Existence in terms of cause and effect.
There are twelve links to this, forming a circle. The starting point is ignorance which leads to the following in turn: volition, consciousness, mental and physical existence, sense organs, sense impressions, feeling, craving, clinging, process of existence, rebirth, decay and death. To destroy craving, therefore, is to break the circle.

S.P.W.

I think I am reaching the narrowing down of my virus. I feel it leaving my body, and with it, is hopefully going all of the toxins that remained following my three day cleanse at the end of Holy Week.

Yea, I can see that even in this sickness, purpose has been served. I think both positive and negative things have happened. The positive being that I have held onto the faith that all things serve a purpose, and I believe that being sick for a week can be included in that.

As for the negative, I have done not much more than work, this week. I come home and sleep, so when it comes to how I have been spending my time, I have not been doing too well. Mind you, I have not watched much TV and have been reading more consistently. Still, I want to be doing more, and for the time being, I have allowed this flu to prevent me from doing so.

This is mostly because I want to sleep, because I think sleep is what my body needs to recover. But what if sleep is my understanding of what makes a speedy recovery? What if that logic has kept me sick longer than I need to be?

Today a conversation arose as to weather Jesus ever got sick. Two of the three opinions said He never did. I was the third one, and I didn't agree. I can't, because Jesus ability to relate to me is what makes Him so personable, and the whole message of Hebrews (among other letters) is that the purpose of Jesus coming to earth was to share in the human experience. If he got tired and hungry, which the Bible tells us he did, then certainly He must have got sick to (which the bible never mentions).
It's not an issue worth arguing about, because it's pointless to argue about things we do not have answers for. If we are searching for answers that are not there, we rely on philosophy and our logic, which only constantly fail us.

When I am not using my time well, and I feel like I am doing nothing, that's when I begin to lose my identity. It becomes lost in minneal tasks. I remember always wanting a hobby when I was a kid. I was always looking for something that would give me a sense of identity. A sense of purpose.

Paticcasamuppada says:

For the last two thursday mornings, I have woken up remembering dreams involving past..."relationships". I use that word loosely.
The dreams seemed to be glipses of possible futures that I was saved from, leaving me uttering my thanks that I was saved from such a outcome. But I also woke up with a new perspective of myself, as seen through the eyes of wisdom. I saw not only what kept me in those "relationships" but how dependant I became on them.

"The truth is we already have consciousness due to ordinary sense organs or Consciousness from Ignorance in the process of dependent arising, and no longer need a transmigrating consciousness.
There is only the law of dependent arising in dependent origination; meaning all phenomena emerge only when mutually dependent conditions exist.
Furthermore, the beginning and end of each phenomenon happen in an instant after which other phenomena continuously arise due to mutually dependent conditions. A phenomenon that arises due to mutually dependent conditions is called a dependent arising.

There are two important principles here: (1) do not entertain the idea of an ego so as not to embrace the concept of a continuing existence; and (2) do not entertain the idea that nothing exists so as not to become nihilistic. As long as one stays in the Middle Path, he will not stray from the law of dependent arising."