Of Minor Prophets and their Prostitute Wives

I feel good. Today I have felt alive, and it seems to be the first time since I arrived back in the city.
Today I was released.

I am ready for the new things that this season is bringing, and I am ready to depart and leave behind me the things that are fading away, like fallen leaves from the trees.

Such a sense of freedom. Such a peace.

With a smile that has remained, and the 919 cds burned, I readily embrace a future without Tamae. Like waking up and realizing I knew all along she was never what I wanted. I wrote that in this journal, and the words are there for me to read when I need to.

I am glad she came into my life. The Lord used her as such a catalyst to draw me to Himself and show me His will for my life. Now it feels like goodbye, is all.

Goodbye.

Day Twenty

I have the week off, as I have changed departments atwork, and there is a week between the job I had andthe job I start. God has been so faithful to me to provide me with wotkright up until I leave calgary again.You know, the zoo was the very first place I appliedfor a job, and here I am now working there for thewinter as well. In Febrauary Tamae and I will be going to New Zealand. We will be doing a radical missions school that isrun by a punk band who stated a ministry in amsterdamand has since grown into a ministry all around theworld.After that, there seem to be many open doors to traveland work in Asia and then Europe, doing short termmusic oriented missions.When I return to Calgary, I will be able to work atthe zoo again, and have been offered a job with thecity of calary, at the zoo, upon my return (wheneverthat is)The good things about this is that it is seasonal so Ican continue to travel.I am so grateful for people like Kristin, and Amy andTamae. I don't know how good of a relationship I will everhave with Kristin. But we meet up a few times a monthfor lunch and it is sincere, but we don't hang out. So it's kept at arms length, I guess, forsure, butit's cool.Amy has become one of my dearest friends, and residessomewhere close to the "bar" or standard I have set,in many ways. Yet in others, she is very far fromwhat I am looking for in someone.At times it seemed debateable, but the more I have letgo of Tamae, the more it seems to work out. I justdon't want to be presumptuos, so I am just trying tospend more effort looking at what is in front of methan where I think it all might go.I really enjoy being around her and, well, we'll seewhat happens.This email turned out to be freakin' long. Sorry. Hope all is well with you and that I have not come off"preachy" or anything. I probably write to hear myself think and processthose thoughts, alot more than I should.Take caremark

Day Fifteen (5)

Tamae called me this morning. I asked her baout going to church on Sunday and she is gonna come. Sounded real good on the phone. I am grateful for the Lord's guidance and peace, for both of us. And I am confident that the more we surrender, the more we will be walking in His purposes, no matter if they are what we think or something different. As long as it is His will, then we shall have peace.

The day was great, rainy, but great. Worked with Matt all day and spent the whole day just fellowshipping. Am so grateful for the things God continues to show me about His love for each one of us.

~The dream

I had a few but the only one I can remember is going to an old church that was abandon but that I had stored things in boxes for quite some time. iw as looking for a Mike Knott Cd that was in a box. I believe the whole point was to retrieve the song "grace"

Day Fourteen

Odd day. felt very under attack/pressure till dinner break. The it all changed and felt free again.

~The Dream

I was on vacation with a friend and we flew to Turkey because here mom had a condo there. Somepoint afetr we arrived, he boyfriend showed up. This immediatly changed everything about our vacation, as suddenly he was the priority.Her mom was really cool, and there was at least one instance where I was ditched, that I hung out with her mom and moms boyfriend.Then I decided to go for a walk. I left without my wallet, and it wasn't long before I was approached by a girl. She asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.She led me to some out of the way little pub somewhere. Within the first couple minutes, she made a referance to her boyfriend, and I really wanted to leave. All I could think of was "why did you ask me out for a drink if you got a boyfriend?'Then I was in another situation that was more relaity based and it had something to do with this same "boyfriend" idea, though i forget the content more than the characters.

Day Thirteen

Dropped a book off at her work. She wasn't there... talked to joe

~The Dream

I was making dinner at a friends house for her and her family. I had tons of different type of chicken, but I realized that I had forgot the chives and sour cream for the mashed potoatoes. I think my parents were there also.

Day Twelve (4)

tamae called 3 times today. I spent the evening over the store and we did soem good well deserved talking.

~The Dream~I was on a boat with an old friend. Perhaps the world had been flooded. The buildings rose up from the water, as if we were in Venice, but we were in the middle of the lake.As a result of this dream, I contacted the friend I drempt about. Have not recieved a response yet.

Day Eleven

~The Dream
Assorted images revealing peace

Day Nine

~The Dream

Something about a sleepover


spent the moring over at the shop hanging out... real good and comfy stuff... spent the evening over at her house. had a fire. really good time. Proved to myself that I can walk away from this and be cool.

Day Eight (2)

tamae called. confortable enough. mentioned a fire at her house maybe tomorrow. we will see. I am glad for the strength to wait and let her call me. it needed to happen that way.

~The Dream

I was with a friend and we were wndering through some backstreets in Victoria looking for this party. The girl I was with was someone who I had been seeing a lot of lately, though she had a boyfriend.We winded our way through these cobblestone streets and down little passageways and ginnaly down a hall. A door opened and instead of the destination being something really cool, it was actually just some guys house.We entered and somoene said something to me, as if they knoew me, but I don't think they did.Sometime in the night she turned and told me that she decided to not only stay in the relationship with her boyfriend, but that she had decided she would marry him. Thye were going to get married and it was soon.When we left this party, it was leaving a completely fifferent way. We had to go past these security checkpoints, and we caught a ride to the gates with a lady who was drivign a gezabo for a truck.The next thing I remember was being across the city from where I needed to be. the only way to get where I needed was to drive the cab that was parked outside.The streets were fairly deserted because it was night, and by the time I arrived, I actually made twenty dollars in cab fair because I had driven someone to a desination nearby.I got out of the car and wlaked into some kind of church.There were a few people inside the church walking around. It seemed very dark and I don't think there were any chairs. We were all on our feet attempting to talk with a presence in the room.The one in charge looked a lot like Picard (from Start Trek) and he was saying "I am nothing. I have been brought to nothing so that you will replace me and take me away. Come and take me away."I remember wishing I had a pen so I could write down his exact words.Then I was at some kind of camp. I beluieve it was the last day becase I was helping them move many things out. I knew it would be the last day. Amidst moving, I was also preparing a meal for the girl who had previously told me that she was going to marry her boyfriend.I was very distraught because I really liked her and couldn't believe she was making what I percieved to be such a mistake. It was obvious that she was in total denial about the feelings we had for each other.When dinner was served she ate quietly with her sister. They did not speak much. After the meal, we were all going to explore the conservatory, but she asked if we were all to do this together. My reply was, " I am sure you would prefer if we didn't" and then they left.I was so upset because all I wanted to do was talk with her. I wanted to know how she couold just walk away from everything we had shared to marry someone who was only gonna prevent her from being the person she wanted to be.I suppose that I should have been glad this was happeneing. It would have been terrible to actually wind up with someone so indecisive, because that is a trait that would last for the rest of our relationship.I was so upset I left the building and did not even try and find them at the conservatory. I knew it was the last day and figured maybe I could avoid seeing her at all now. Then she would be gone.I decided to go for a walk and get my discman because I really wanted to listen to "Girl from a Pawnshop" by The Black Crowes.

Day Seven

started communicating with marissa on aim

~The Dream~I had tickets to Bob Dylan and I was waiting for a friend to show up, so I hadn't taken my seat yet. I was wondering where she was and decided to take a walk, and I discovered that downt he street another band was playing. They were old friends. I remember trying to figure out how we could go to them both, if she showed up at all.