It feels like epilepsy

Sometimes I think I have failed.

Today I saw something in myself that has been missing for some time. It wasn't something I was looking forward to seeing again.
There is a switch inside me that I would turn. When I did, a glaze would come over my eyes and I would drift ANYWHERE but the physical situation I was in.

Today the switch kept turning off and on. It was a scary place to be. It feels like epilepsy, and the result is usually people around me feeling that I am bored uninterested in their company.

Infact, just today I thought about escaping about every fifteen minutes.

But as I walked around the block tonight I realized that I was falling. We fall together.

Predestination in heinsight. The sun caught me and restored me. I still have resolve not to become who I was.

Sometimes I think I have failed, but failure is a dim reflection that allows us to move forward. It was never about me, and though I thought I could rest in sovreignty, I see that I still sometimes just feel the need to be in control. It is this urge that so works against me.

So much better to rest in peace. A peace that took me a long time to find.

I feel the tidal wave has calmed, but now I must work my way upstream. That starts with repentance even though it feels like guilt. After all, I AM guilty.