~did you add up all the cards left to play to zero?

haha, at first I laughed as I read "Once again, yourdeep thoughts are way above my head, but i like toimagine thinking what you do" and then I wondered ifmost people probably have the same opinion and I decided they do. Not that it makes me uncomfortable or sad... well, not uncomfortable... sad perhaps, because I already feel like i relate to barely anyone on the planet....
speaking of loneliness... I have this theroy that we avoid thinking because we assume it will make us happy, and we get that idea by watching other people who act happy but are really doing the same thing we are - they are trying to convince everyone they are happy because they don't "think" about life, so it becomes this domino cycle of existence, where we count down our time until we might return the past (which we remember as being betterthan it was).
The problem is that the past is like an inerstate (love song) that can be listened to on repeat but never experienced again for the first time. Kind of like heroin.

You said, "it's an awful place to be, but i keep praying that in the next phase of my life I'll be happy again like i was before when I didn't have to count down the hours but could enjoy being busy ordoing absolutely nothing. That seems like so long ago."
That sounds like something I said once. Are you sure that is original or are you quoting me?

And then you said, "i feel i've tried everything nowand haven't found happiness so i'm going back to the last place i felt it..."
And than I get get de ja vu because this is really starting to sound like me about a year ago. The big surprise comes when you go back and discoverit is not at all like it was.
Have you ever seen the movie The Neverending Story? If you have you will remember that the "nothing" is an unexplainable void that keeps growing and consumes everythign in it's path, completely destroying any life that once existed.
It's a lot like depression. The kind that leads to suicidal thoughts. The more one tries to live their future for a past that no longer exists, the more comforting hopelessness becomes.
It's like a good friend named sadness that comes over with an open container from 7-11. Except I'm at the age where I realize that theliquor store won't bring back the past that seems like greener grass, but really, I didn't think so at the time. It's just that the expectations of my future are not what I had hoped. (I am speaking of me a year ago, thankfully. Much has changed and I have learned a few things about happiness, since)

Happiness is not a geographical thing, wether that be abroad or home. Happiness is an inside thing. Mind you, a social life does seem to be a factor - haha
Life always demands change. We always end up giving up the past, because we are always moving forward. You can either embrace progress or fight it, buteither way, things will change. I suppose we try and hang on to what makes us feel most secure, and in that sense, geography can determine some degree of happiness.

You also said, "more and more i find myself wishing ihad done the comfortable and stayed at home after highschool and gone to tech."
Regret is not a good thing. Like you pointed out, the experiences you gained while traveleing, and the personal growth, you never could have experienced had you done the comfortable. It is what seperates theone from the other. The one what? I am not sure. The other? Well, the others are the normals.
The normals are the ones who stay comfortable but rarely learn anything significant. They rarely grow and become anything. But then again, they seem a lot happier. And like you pointed out, transition reminds of of the things we take advantage of.
Sometimes we can go back and appreciate those things. Sometimes they are gone forever. I had a friend once who wanted so bad to be normal. But he wasn't. But he fought to be. He wanted to be: one of the "boys" and completely sell himself out towho he was not because of that happiness illusion. But happiness is a choice not a destination.

Take some comfort because you are not alone. Almost everyone I know are ghosts that I never knew (even when speaking with them face to face).

"Time is a funny thing. It passes by at the same exact speed every day but we choose to make it rush by or creep."

Well said.