desper a'mien

Another day is drawing to a close. It's hard not to thtink that I haven't wasted another one.

I am still feeling the aftershocks of my not so disapeared +15 flu virus. It's at the nasal congestion / headache phase, but not as bad as yesterday. So today I mostly sat around, or paced, and tried to make my day count for something.

In the end, I finished a book I started 6 weeks ago. What a poor testament that it has taken me this long. I watched the first half of two different movies. Is there any better way to waste time? I didn't even finsih them.

While researching trips through the Middle East, I found a tour company based on the Greek Island of Cyprus. From there, I got this idea in my head that Cyprus would be a good place to base myself out of because it's close to everything. Something in every direction, including Israel and Egypt and Italy.

And I spent much time, but not enough time, dialoging with God, trying to sell Him on the idea that getting a job (specifically the one at the zoo) is a much needed next step in my being here.

God is sovereign and knows what is best, but I have a desire for this job and believe that He has put that desire there. I also see how this job seems to be a perfect fit for me and would allow me financially to work toward the goals and vision that is in me, whicgh start with getting out of debt, and planning for a month in Japan in the fall.

And of course, I managed to spend a significant amount of my time today losing sight of purpose and feeling more like a failure for doing nothing and having nothing.
If we compare ourselves to others, we will always fall short. I am not even sure I know what my dreams are anymore. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.

Speaking of dreams, I have had quite interesting ones lately. Last night was another one of those ones with Pesa. We are married, but for some reason, i guess she thinks I don't know, and she won't come out and say it. Maybe because she is afraid that I will change if she does.

Then I was sleeping in the afternoon and I saw myself in some middle eastern garment and I could hear a voice saying that I needed to go back to Japan.

On top of everything is, is the cost...

I don't know. Everything is really confusing and this flu keeps me in and out of dellusion. Drifting from lucid thoughts to ones that are not quite my own.
And while it has not been terribly hard, today was my worst experience in 10 days with weakness. I thought... over and over... I even went out for a walk... but in the end, I have changed, not of my own strength can I do this, but with His help, always...