Open Your Eyes

It's amazing how we build things up in our heads. Before we know it, reality comes and it just isin't what it was in our head. It seems pretty disapointing. And it makes one think about where they are and how dangerous all that living in the head was.

Every now and then I wake up. Only to find I haven't really woken up yet. I seem to be in a constant state of opening my eyes.

And I seem to be in a constant state of living in my head.
I would like to think I do not do it as much anymore. That I am more down to earth. More grounded.
I think by diverting all the living in my head to imagination, it is easier to seperate the non-reality from the stuff I just make up, from the lies. That way I won't be confusing the lies from the things I make up from reality, if that even exists anymore. And then how do we figure out truth?

Lies, like contrived truth in any form (including imagination) have three main motives, as i see it. 1) Vanity 2) Guilt, and 3) Turth
We lie because we are vain, because we are guilty, or because we are trying to conceal truth from someone.

It'gets trcky in its similarity to memory creation, and how we can create memories based on stories we have told ourselves enough times that they become truth (ie: we like to ourselves)
We have convinced our mind that true is what we tell it.
And that kinda relates back to the whole paranoia thing and how easy it is for us to be swept away by our paranoia. Just like our passions. Even when our motivation is rooted in unreality.

And we get swept away by our lies. And our fantasies. And all the things we build up in our heads. And then we feel foolish for going so far out on a limb to actually imagine that all the build up could really have come true.
Our disapointment attacks our esteem level, and the thrill we got from avoiding normalcy starts becoming to us the reflection in the mirror that constantly keeps us on the fringe. We start to resent that andbecome hostile towards the people that never accepted us for being who we are. All the while knowing that it's our own fault for being so differant because it satisfied our desire to feel a unique, which in turn satisfied us pleasure seekers enough to think we suddenly had a purpose.
It's all about the purpose, really. And when we feel disapointed, it is an attack against our purpose.
I have to remind myself that I am at war with myself. It makes this all a whole lot easier to understand.

Each one of us is like a ticking bomb of self destruction, and contorl is the restraints that keep us from going off.
The things around us, like the mundane things we all resent, like working and cleaning the bathroom, these things all contribute to the grounding that is essential to keep us sane.

On our own, we really have no hope. The easiet alternative is to take the blue pill and wake up in the morning with no knowledge of how much we resemble rats in cages.

Scientists did a study on trama and how it affects people. They started by rating trama by percentages. So losing a job may be 20%, and a family pet dying may be 30%. Whereas losing a spouse would be a 100%.
Well, they found that if you take enough of the low ranking trama's, and say in addition to losing your pet and your job, you are also evicted (lets say that is 15%) and you get dumped (another 15%) and then you can't find a new place to live and your don't really have any money for food....
You get the idea.

The more of the smaller trama's added up, the more unstable the person became, and the more they began experiencing the effects of trama as deeply as the one who lost a mate. If those smaller trama's added up to 150%, than that person could very well a withering fluff.

I wonder how they did this study? I wonder if they took some guy and ruined his life and secretly spied on him the whole time until he very nearly stepped into oncoming trafic to end his life?

By gaugeing your personal amount of self satisfaction on how you think others see you, then you will either be always disapointed or always decieved.

If we are bound to base so much of our self worth on what we assume others think of us, is it better to live in anonimity? Removing the things we do from public opinion? But I suppose, even then, we can not get away from the self induced ridicule we project others to have of us.

Open my eyes, damn't!