lost in relation

Why is it that I feel like Bill Murry meets Homer Simpson, you know, from that episode where all Homer hears is "blah, blah, blah" when someone speaks to him?

I am happy to be here. This is my home, as far as this coutry goes. As for the city, it seems quite foreign to me, but familar in the way that arriving in LA and looking around you and constantly recognizing things from films you have seen. It has that same kind of familiarity.
Happy to be here? Yes. And I know why, too. Because I didn't come here because I had no choice.

For years, I allowed much of my happiness to come from where I was. It kept me moving a lot. Looking for the elluscive greener grass.
Much has changed. I discovered there is no greener grass. There are no answers, only choices, and happiness is a choice, not a geographical destination. Not love. Not money. Choice.

Right now I just feel lost in relation. The people around me are unclear. Blurry visions of who they were when I saw them through the lens of my bias.
Unable to put my thumb on anything concrete. The people I knew now seem stranger to me then those I don't know.
It is harder to talk to them. Harder to listen.

The last two years of absence has produced a handful of friends I didn't know about, and I am grateful that in the midst of my apparent amnesia, that I have some solid people who have not the opticals of bias.

There is no need to redefine myself.
What this next year will hold is unknown, but first I must set my feet on the ground and figure out how to relate to people here again.